Art is the Weapon

Just came across this awesome art blog today…

thought I’d share..

http://inkwings.tumblr.com/

A quote for today…

I read this on wordpress… I thought I’d steal it cos it makes so much sense to me, and to anyone else who has ever written anything from their heart, you will also understand… 

“The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.” – Gustave Flaubert

The Adventures of Mr Pepsi Pants in Pop Up World (also titled “My Monday Nights are Totally Exciting and Not Boring at all.”

Once upon a time there lived a little white mouse with a black bottom called Mr Pepsi Pants. He was very bored with his life as a cage mouse and wanted some real adventure.

So he set of sailing in his very own pirate ship.

His sailing was never to the highest of standard though, so it was no surprise that he eventually fell overboard.

He washed up on the Island of the Twelve Dancing Princesses, an island full of beautiful princesses.

He danced with all of the princesses.

But when each of them found out about the others he ran away, barely escaping with his life intact.

He eventually found peace in a lonely little treehouse where there were no princesses in sight, but plenty of cheese growing from the trees... he called it his cheesehouse.

And this is the end of our tail.

Bored or stupid… or bored stupid… either way works for me!!

Unsure whether I was bored or just feeling like I needed to do something stupid to spice up my day but I ended up trawling the net for silly things to do… and came up with a treasure trove of goodies. So I thought I’d share them with you…

This is a list of the one’s that made me laugh the hardest, tweaked by me to make them funnier, and peppered through with things I have actually done, and some of the things I have suggested to people who text me to say they’re bored (why is it they all see me as the entertainment value I wonder (I suppose I’ll decide to take it as a compliment)… which one’s are which?? I’ll never tell Bwaahaaahaaa!!

But try a few, see if you can “fun up” your blah grey and white office, or surprise Darlene at the checkout next time you’re on your way through. I, of course, take no responsibility for any lost limbs or dignity that may be incurred by such actions.

(WARNING – There’s probably a few in here you don’t want to try at the airport…)

1. Trip, fall and knock over a whole mariachi band.
2. Glamorously smoke your breath in the wintertime.
3. Make up silent stories about passersby. Make it interesting, give them super powers, or a dark past that’s about to be uncovered, or a secret identity.
4. Use your hair as a convenient, anytime moustache.
5. Ride a sled down the stairs (It seems like a good idea, because it is a good idea.)
6. Put brushes on your feet to scrub the kitchen floor
7. Solve a murder on a train… you will need to murder someone first.
8. Sit down next to someone at the sushi bar and slide an old briefcase toward them, before they can say anything whisper, “Finally! They said you’d be here an hour ago. Charlie’s waiting at the house.” Then walk away.
9. Wrap up household items and put them under the christmas tree.
10. Press a sign to the car window saying, “I have been kidnapped and am being force fed vegetables” (Hmm, now this is one from the Listory books… I did this when I was about ten years old, on a car trip from Mount Gambier to Adelaide – I like to think I brightened *somebodies* day… it certainly brightened mine!!)
11. Put condoms in trolleys of unsuspecting supermarket shoppers.
12. High five someone waving to someone behind you.
13. Make transformer sounds every time you change positions.
14. Walk up to random strangers saying, “Ronnie!! Ronnie!! It’s really you!!! I thought you were dead!!”
15. Wear a sash that says Mayor… only works well if you are not actally the mayor…
16. In an elevator, casually lean against the button panel.
17. Fake an italian accent.
18. Dye your dog pink.
19. Steal pies from open windows.
20. Rate passersby as though you were an X-factor judge, giving them a score out of ten and some silent criticism on their clothes, their hair and make-up and their ‘X’ factor.
21. Use your secret mind power to make people trip over, or drop their pen, or make their phone ring… the law of averages suggest you’ll eventually get a hit, thereby confirming your psychic ability.
22. Stare at the back of someones head until they turn around… (works on the principal of the “I feel I’m being watched theory”)
23. Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view.
24. Introduce yourself to someone as Bella Swan or Edward Cullen… wait to see if you get a reaction… if not, say “just kidding, I’m really Chuck Norris”
25. On a long haul flight scream very loudly every hour on the dot, after each scream pretend you didn’t notice that anyone screamed.
26. make up a word, use it casually in a conversation and see who pretends to understand what it meant.
27. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your room mate suspiciously.
28. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
29. Write your childs lunch order using roman numerals.
30. Write a secret message in permanent texta on a carton of eggs, then put them back on the supermarket shelf…
31. Write a “missing persons” ad for yourself on the back of a milk bottle…
32. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid
33. When someone says “have a nice day” tell them you had other plans.
34. Hang all your photo frames upside down.
35. Visit a friends house and change all of their clocks.
36. Build an igloo doll house out of ice cubes…
37. Write a letter to someone, run it through the paper shredder and then send it, alternatively, type a letter, change the font to wingdings just before printing and posting it. (works best if you do it with your mother inlaw)
38. If someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
39. Follow someone around, James Bond style.
40. Tuck the end of a toilet roll in the back of your pants, leaving the roll unwinding on the floor and go about your normal office/shopping centre day…
41. Write the surprise twist ending on the inside cover of a library book.
42. At an internet cafe, hunch over a computer typing madly, stop every now and then to give an evil laugh, or stare at someone next to you suspiciously.
43. Bring a chainsaw somewhere. If anyone asks you why you have it look at them sideways and say “just in case…” mysteriously.
44. Drive around with your windows down and the soundtrack to “The Lion King” blaring, singing passionately at the top of your voice, when people look into your car at stoplights grab the air guitar and rock it out or yell out the window “X-Factor rehearsals”
45. Serenade someone in a shopping centre… this works extra well if you have three or more friends to help.
46. In an elevator or on public transport, unzip your bag and say in a loud whisper to the inside of your bag, “Just stay in there, or next time you can stay home.” Look around suspiciously.
47. Pretend to be an elevator attendant, get possessive about the keypad whenever someone tries to press a number. Cry and say, “please, don’t make me redundant! I need this job.”
48. When the checkout person asks how you are, meow at them, keeping a serious face.
49. Wear a puppet on your hand and have all your daily interactions through your puppet.
50. Try paying your grocery bill with monopoly money.

Credit where credit is due!! Check out these sites for more (obviously not as funny) things to do…

www.urban75.org/useless/bored.html
www.inherentlyfunny.com
www.area51newmexico.com

Fairies… It’s always about fairies!

Last weekend we went walking through Byron Bay in an attempt to combat weekend boredom and introduce my sister to some local culture… something Byron Bay has no shortage of.

It was in the midst of wandering around, munching on tacos and pizza and trying not to recreate the scene from Old Dogs where that dude dominos a bunch of bikers bikes outside the pub (and here is the moment where you congratulate my sister and I for our prowess in negotiating a giant huddle of Finks “prized possessions” (that means motorcycles for those not listening) carrying three big plates of nachos… Thankyou, thankyou, I know that is impressive for the stability challenged such as ourselves.)

Sorry, where was I??

Oh right!! It was in the midst of all this that she caught my eye.

I would love to take credit for naming her, I’d love to tell you that she spoke to me and told me what I should call her, but I can’t. Her named was derived from an idea Phoebe had for her own fairy… until she changed hers to Sparkles (or Sparks for short). So being the brilliant mother that I am I stole her idea and mine became Glel.

Glel, meet my readers. Readers, meet Glel.

She is very beautiful, and cute… and I can’t stop looking at her… (you can’t tell I’m besotted can you??)

Please don’t mistake me, there were others, as is always the case, but she was the first I saw, the first little tiny face that drew me in to the stall selling sleeping fairies on gemstones no bigger than a thumbprint, tiny mermaids hiding in shells, miniature mouse fairies sleeping in their nests of twigs and beautiful hanging fairies made from eagles and emu feathers… I looked at them all, and oohed and aahed over every single one, and every time I was about to leave I’d go to say goodbye to my little friend Glel then get drawn in again, until I realised the only way out of my faerieised groundhog day was to take her with me…

So now she flutters just below the phoenix cage in my loungeroom, and sleeps there, suspended in mid air, waiting for the breeze to come and tickle her feathers to make her look like she really is fluttering.

And I suddenly have decided what every little girl I know is getting for birthday presents next year!!

(If you want to contact Kerrie, who handmakes all these gorgeous little creatures you can contact her on throughthemagicdoor.hotmail.com or see her online shop at throughthemagicdoor.etsy.com or on ebay, where her seller ID is “throughthemagicdoor” – pretty easy huh?? Even I can remember that!!)

Ah, and there was so much more I wanted to tell you about my weekend, but Glel seems to have taken over….

I wanted to tell you about the van we stalked for 20 minutes on the highway because it had my maiden name (crafter) on it's badge... (Sincerest apologies by the way to the driver of this van, we didn't mean to scare you into needing to change lanes twice to get away from us.)

I wanted to tell you about Emma and Tom's Life Juice... which my sister drank... but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to drink someone's life juice, no matter how friendly Emma and Tom may appear (I'd make a terrible vampire right?)

I wanted to tell you about the goat that was frolicking on the hillside... (OOh, a perfect chance for a Where's Wally type game... Can you see the goat?)

I wanted to tell you about this shop, which seemed neither mad nor crazy, yet I loved the sign... and I dare say I'll use it again at some stage...

I wanted to tell you about my recent acquiring of the word Poppycock to my daily vocabulary, the awesomeness of buttery toast and the way french marigolds can cure a nematode problem in garden soil…

I wanted to share all of this, but I wont, because Glel has taken up all my talking time, and now it’s time for my evening Oreo’s and milo before bedtime!

Goodnight!

Being Madonna

Black lace top from Supre – $12

Fake jewellery and fishnets from discount store – $10

Black tulle skirt from Opshop – $4

Tutu from my daughters dress up box – free!

Getting to hang with Duff Man and sing “Lucky Star” all night cos I’m pretending to be Madonna and no one can tell me to shut up (cos no one tells Madonna to shut up) – Priceless.

Madonna and Duff Man

Introduction to The Adventures of Little Red Riding Rebel and Lady Leewyn Godspeed

Little Red Riding Rebel

I feel bad… just a little… okay, lots bad, and what makes it worse is I know the only reason I am here reporting to you all right now is that I made a promise to a friend that I didn’t keep. You see, after a very stern wrist slapping (yes I felt that ruler from 2000km away you bully!) I promised a friend that I would blog.

Yesterday.

I didn’t. (Did you notice?)

Instead what I spent my time doing was coming up with a really good excuse why I wasn’t blogging! I mean I used to be so good at it in school. I could spend more time on perfecting every tiny detail of my reasoning behind not doing the oral report on The Great Gatsby because I physically couldn’t read past the bit where Fitzgerald gives us all that visual of the flapping ripped apart torso of the dead chick. But for some reason this time words failed me – so here’s a picture… of me saving the world… Superhero style… I think that will appease anyone who says “Oh, what have you been doing for the last month and a half you lazy so-and-so.”

I must mention, though, my partner in crime… I mean… my sidekick… Lady Leewyn Godspeed… here we see her rushing to the aid of some camera defeated tourists at the top of Mount Coot-tha… and yes, unfortunately also giving away our secrets to the forty or so “flying” photo’s we took of ourselves… (and therein lies another of the great deeds we performed that day, for on our departure no less than three kids were lined up full of high flying inspiration – you are welcome, lucky parents… we know that made your day!)

Lady Leewyn Godspeed

Saving the world.

I think that’s the perfect excuse…

*** stay tuned for the next instalment of “The Adventures of Little Red Riding Rebel and Lady Leewyn Godspeed” where you will meet our trusty steeds, Vic and Gertie. ***

What would you do?? A moral dilemma…

What? I didn’t go anywhere.

I’ve been right here the whole time. Honest.

It’s just I’ve been thinking about something… about a man in a tower (has he got a guitar? Yes, lets give him a guitar, but we’ll take it away if he makes the wrong decision in the end), and big bouncy landings, oh and I suppose there’s gotta be a girl in there somewhere too. Doesn’t every good story have one.

So in the name of sporadicity, for my first blog post in, what has it been?? A few months? I’ll regale you with a story that has nothing to do with anything except the fact that I’m a Libran apparently, and am unable to make a decision on what this mythical rocker should do.

So he’s sitting in his room, this wannabe superstar rocker, pondering on what success will be like for him, eating Fantales and staring into the mirrored glass windows of the building across from him as they reflect the city that they tower over.

Without warning his peace is shattered by the sound of alien invasion from above. The towers and the city around them are under attack. Giant pods (I’m thinking snickers Pods), are pouring their gooey flame engulfed peanut toffee over all the buildings. Our hero looks into the mirror, conveniently placed in a “The Bold and the Beautiful” manner above the fireplace so those looking at the back of his head will have an excellent vantage point with which to notice the look of stricken terror upon his face.

Then he hears a call from below. Twenty stories down he sees his saviour, a life net, if he jumps there is a chance he could survive.

One life net.

And in the opposite tower, a girl, on the tenth story. Closer, and obviously far more worthy of the life saving chance at the life net. It is almost guaranteed to save her life if she takes the jump.

So he has a choice, he could take the jump, the life net is right there waiting for him, there is, after all, a small chance he could survive, and take his music to the world. Or he could turn away, in a final act of nobleness, and let the life net dudes down below save the girl in the other tower.

What does he do?
What should he do?
What would you do?

And here’s another question… why the hell have I been pondering this for days??

I’ll expect answers to all questions on my desk by no later than next Tuesday.

There was supposed to be a lamp post in this story…

It’s not coming out… this lamp post post…

It’s in there, I can feel it bubbling to the surface… lamp posts, lessons, and licorice… that’s what this post was going to be about, but the lamp post is eluding me today. Instead my head is filled with nonsensical weirdness (because lamp posts and licorice are NOT nonsensical… trust me on that one!)

So instead I shall pull out one from the archives… Let’s see if anyone cares to analyse it…

I call this one…

NOT ABOUT A LAMP POST…

The truth, made curiouser by flowered phrase,

leaves the uninformed in the blinding dark,

for even those who inherently know what’s real,

are easily fooled by false tales of a scar.

A world where even Saints are sinners,

their scars claimed existing in the name of right,

or ignorance, or self defence

can lead the distracted heart to it’s plight.

Those who inhabit this world of pretence

are they, who it seems good fortune has missed,

but if you start searching it eventually makes sense,

these tales are tangled in all who exist.

IF x MC x (PD x LI) = Courage

I love my friends.

I can hear you all going “Awww, aint she sweet,” but seriously… let me give you one example of why I love my friends…

I have a boring job as a file fairy… I know, I know, it sounds incredibly exciting, but trust me, the most exciting part of my working day today was the pecan danish, that is if you don’t include the course of conversation my friends took me down…

Here is an email I wrote today, at work, in between singing “Think about something that makes you smile” and fluffing up resumes…

“Right, Well… 

here’s what I think on the subject… 

Your whole email is exactly what I was trying to say when I mentioned that to measure courage you would need to first be able to measure fear… 

as you imply.. it is more courageous for an arachnophobe to relocate a huntsman spider to the garden than it is for a barbaric lunatic to punch a WWW wrestler in the nose because the arachnophobe would be freakin scared out of her wits at the thought of the spider, where the barbaric lunatic probably has no forethought to the implications of punching a pro wrestler in the nose… 

therefore I propose a formulaic solution to our measurement problem.. something along the lines of … 

IF x MC x (PD x LI) = (Unit of courage)

IF = (intensity of Fear)

MC = (mental comprehension of the situation)

PD = (probability of death)

LI = (interest in life)

The problem is knowing what to call a unit of courage. and also finding units for all the other items in the equation… 

The ability to measure courage would greatly depend upon an EEG to measure the high beta brainwaves in regards to the level of fear, as well as intense psychological assessment to measure the value the subject put on their own life and their mental comprehension on life in general. We would need a control subject who we could class as “average” whos comprehension and value on life could be measured as 1 unit to be able to accurately give a measurement to any other…”

I know that any self respecting scientific type person will pull this email to bits and say “you can’t do it like that,” or “blah blah blah,” or something to that extent, but at this point in time my brain needed to do some thinking and whilst I am aware that I will never make it into any scientific journal except maybe as a guinea pig, I do like to play pretend… and me being a scientist is just as possible as me being able to fly…

So point being… I love my friends… they make my life interesting…