Are you a shithead too? (Part one of Diary of an attention seeking shithead.)


I am a shithead. An attention-seeking shithead, nonetheless (Only the best type of course!)

You see, here I was just minding everybody elses business, when along comes an old friend, sarcasm in hand, to knock me off the monkey bars that I was hanging upside down from just hoping that the group of mesh singlet wearing teen gals near the park would notice and say, “Wow dig it cats, get a geez on that old chick, she’s something else man, far out, she’s a real trip” Stuck in the 70’s?? Yeah you betcha… cos in the real age, kids don’t notice anything, let alone a so-close-to-thirty-one-she-aint-pretending-she’s-not-quite-thirty chick in too tight jeans, hanging upside down from the monkey bars and singing Justin Beiber songs for her daughters entertainment (singing upside down is hard! Snaps for Pink who managed it for her entire Funhouse tour.)

Anyhow, they managed to knock me off (my friend with the well aimed sarcastic wit that is, not the teens – although that probably would have been funny, and a lot more fun to reminisce over)… and I got to wonder how many people out there just don’t know they are a shithead, or an attention seeker, or both. So I have compiled a table for the benefit of all of those in the dark about their own attention seeking shitheadedness, the idea is if you fall into any of the columns more than a couple of times then… well you get the picture…

attention seeking attention seeking shitheadedness plain shitheadedness
Pulling out the camera at every function and trying to get into as many photos as humanly possibly (and sometimes as many as inhumanly possible.) Seeking out people with cameras at every large social event, jumping in their pictures even if they don’t know you (especially if they don’t know you), and making a special note of anyone who seemed genuinely upset at your camera manipulating techniques so you can return later in the night and do it again. Another vital skill in this area is offering to take a snap of the happy couple/group, and deftly snapping a self-portrait before taking the actual picture, so that the group/couple in mention don’t realise you used up all the memory on their SD card until they are looking at their photo’s the next day and wondering who that weird chick pulling all the faces is. Offering to take the happy couple/group’s picture, pretending to take it, but not actually take it and hoping they don’t realise until they are looking at their photos the next day and wondering where that all important and gonna-be-so-cool group shot actually got to.

Facebook Status updating whenever something funny comes to mind.

Facebook status updating whenever something funny comes to mind, with deliberate intent to share private messages publicly without anyone, perhaps even the person the message is for, realising.

Facebook status updating with the intent of declaring to the world that Madam Tragicfriend has once again managed to destroy everything good and special in the world, then releasing results of a poll proving that Madam Tragicfriend is, indeed, a tragic friend.

Texting your friends to tell them that you miss them and do they miss you and could they please give some indication that your position on the planet is indeed one of “loveable and dear person who in no way ever deserves to be ignored.”

Texting sticky sweet messages to your friends asking them to return your texts or risk having their toenails removed, including a polite barb against one of their least loved personality traits, and ending with a smiley face and two xx’s. Not returning anyones text messages because they all spent a good four hours completely ignoring every text you sent (I don’t care if you were in the shower, I’m a shithead and if you decide to do something like SLEEP instead of texting me, then I’ll ignore you too! Huurghwaah. Did that sound like that weird noise Pink makes in ‘Cuz I Can’ after she says “and my car’s faster than yours too.” Cos it was supposed to. Say it out loud. Are you reading this in an office? Say it louder… go on, again… LOUDER!

Climbing to the top of the spiderweb/monkey bars/playgym/tree and singing in your loudest, most unattractive voice. (Falling out of the tree can, in fact, assist in the attention-getting result of these particular antics.)

Climbing to the top of the spiderweb/monkey bars/playgym/tree and singing in your loudest voice about the horrors of drinking “champers Pat” and where the hell has all the vodka got to. Encouraging all your friends to follow you up, and pay them out if they don’t. (Also if you have decided to fall out of the tree for attention-seeking purposes it is imperative to the shitheadedness part of your antics that you concuss yourself, dislocate your arm and refuse to be taken to the hospital.) Encouraging your friends to climb to the top of the spiderweb/monkey bars/playgym/tree, then, once they reach the top, refuse to climb yourself, cos you wouldn’t want to look like an attention seeker…

Blogging your entire life story.

Blogging your entire life story, hoping someone somewhere may be offended, but knowing that you can always fall back on the excuse “I was just trying to be funny.”

Blogging about religion or politics and tagging your blog with keywords that demonstrate the exact opposite opinion that your blog was intending to promote (as a way of successfully pissing on every one, on every side, and hopefully sprinkling a few minority groups with the overspray.)

So now I’ve cleared that up, and secured myself a lovely position somewhere amid the centre column, I will continue upon my attention-seeking shithead ways, there’s no other way, we are who we are – attention-seeker, shithead or both. And if making my presence in the office known by constant sign in/out board jokes, or if answering questions with questions, or if simultaneously quoting disney characters, major historical figures and rap singers in the same sentence, or doing things solely based on the reaction of others is attention-seeking, or shitheadedness, or both, then “Such is life, O great and powerful genie of the lamp, this looks like a job for me!”

So what about everyone else… where do you fall??

… Sure you have no idea what I’m talking about my dear bunny… pancakes are a common headwear for bunnies NOT looking for attention…


~ by Alissa Anderton on September 27, 2010.

2 Responses to “Are you a shithead too? (Part one of Diary of an attention seeking shithead.)”

  1. I have been known to “borrow” cameras and fill the SD card with pictures of strangers pulling faces at the camera. Where do I fit on your handy chart? and, for that matter, where would you put all the strangers who are willing to go along with this?

    • I’d have to say, after careful deliberation, that you are a shithead, but not necessarily of the attention seeking variety. The strangers however that go along with your shithead plans are merely good samaritans out to help a shithead be a shithead. But that’s just my opinion. 🙂

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